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Notes from a Recovering Self-Help Book JunkieHow I learned to stop improving myself and start living my life by Pohsuan Zaide
Have you ever walked into a bookstore and felt overwhelmed at the plethora of self-help books lining the shelves? I am a recovering self-help book junkie, and I know how hard it is to abstain from buying just one more book that will improve some aspect of my life. It seems to me that every few years someone arrives on the self-help scene with a reinvented idea about how we can make our lives better. I say “reinvented” because there are no new ideas. The human race has the benefit of thousands of years of Eastern and Western thinking and wisdom, and we only have to look into those teachings to trace the roots of modern or new-age paradigms. Don’t get me wrong; anyone who can reach the masses and help them become more self-aware, more compassionate, and more socially or spiritually responsible is OK in my books. And saying it with fresh words is fine. My point is this: I am tired of all the messages from the self-help industry and the popular media bombarding my brain. Some of them are ethical and altruistic, and some are solely profit-oriented. Everyone is on board the self-improvement train, selling us ideas and products that promise to improve our lives—from our skin to our psyches, from our amino acids to our attitudes. So where do we find balance? Because we are overwhelmed by the pace of modern life, we must resize our lives to a manageable scope. Big life or small life? Fast lane or slow lane? Run toward dreams or walk away from them? Gurus tell us that we must find the answers within, and we study with them for years to glean their wisdom. Do you see the paradox in that? The way I see it, the world couldn’t function if everyone lived one certain way. We need all kinds of people doing all kinds of things, creating products and services; some rushing around, others slowing down. Some people are going to live large lives, affecting hundreds or even thousands of people, while others contribute by slowing down and taking care of their families and communities. So how do you know which kind of person you are? You guessed it—the answers lie within you. But they emerge within a context of values and principles that are humanistic and spiritual in nature. Here are some non-original ideas: 1. Feel good about your life Whatever life you choose, make sure it is aligned with what you truly value, and that you feel good (or good enough) about it. If you are choosing to sacrifice one set of values for another, know why and for how long. Regardless of the “size” or “speed” of your life, it is the sense of meaning or purpose, and the joy that comes from being free to make your own choices, that makes it all worthwhile. 2. Cherish all life Valuing life leads to fair actions, responsible and non-harmful use of resources, and non-violence toward others as well as toward our environment. If we destroy our environment, we destroy ourselves, as we are part of that environment. If we hurt other people, we hurt ourselves, as we are part of the human race. 3. Life itself has no inherent meaning It is what we do with it (our purpose) and how we live it (our passion) that creates meaning within the templates of connections (our love) that we make with others and with the world in which we live. 4. Lastly, act lovingly, kindly, and generously toward the world and others Look for the good in everything and look for ways to help. Savour the joy that comes from being this kind of person. Pohsuan Zaide is a therapist in private practice with an MA in counselling psychology who admits powerlessness over her book-buying behaviours. Find her at 778-846-6056, members.shaw.ca/pohsuan_zaide, and thevancouverobserver.com.
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‘It’s Complicated’What does it mean when your partner announces your relationship status to the world—on Facebook? by Pohsuan Zaide
A posting on a social utility website like Facebook is virtually an announcement to the world. So the answer to that question is he wants to let everyone know something about his relationship status. But what is he really saying? And to whom? Let’s take a look. The word “complicated” has various synonyms: abstruse, complex, tortuous, arduous, convoluted, perplexing, troublesome, entangled, multifarious. However, there is pretty much one common understanding of the word, especially in the context of one who wishes everyone in the whole world (except the romantic partner involved) to know that his relationship status is “Complicated.” What he really means to say is, “I’m in a relationship that I have serious doubts about, so I’m available, or soon going to be.” His intended audience? Another woman, other women, or other men. You see, when a guy (or gal) is just not that into you, call it what you like. He/she is afraid of commitment or has intimacy issues, or is confused, delusional, or immature. It all means the same thing; he (or she) just chooses the handle of “complicated” to label your relationship. He also does this to avoid communicating to you his real feelings and issues. But in most cases, one foot is virtually out the door. Anyone who is genuinely struggling with issues in a relationship (and we all have them) and wants to keep working at it may discuss the complexities with a therapist or a close friend, but he does not publish that on the internet for the world to read, picking the one day of the year it will be most noticed. People who have affairs often describe their marriages as “complicated” to their would-be love interests. This is their way of saying that 1) they are available, 2) their spouse doesn’t give them what they need (sex, kindness, support, whatever, thus justifying the potential affair), and 3) they cannot leave their marriage yet (because of the kids, the money, a special arrangement, their guilt, etc.). The way I see it, there are genuine instances when relationships get complicated, such as the following:
Seriously, though, I do wish people would stop using the word “complicated” to describe their relationships. Because inherently, relationships are complex and multifarious, even difficult and tortuous at times. Sometimes, we need to end them, and when we do, let us do so well. Both for ourselves and for the one we once loved. So, to someone like my young friend’s boyfriend, who’s contemplating leaving their relationship, I say tell her in person with honesty, dignity, and respect. She deserves that. To my friend, I say this: don’t believe that you deserve less. I suggest you take a long, hard look at the relationship to discover 1) what’s worth saving, 2) how much you can tolerate his confusion, uncertainty, or otherwise roving eyes, and 3) how long you can be in a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t be 100 per cent there. For everyone else, it’s not complicated at all. Here’s a short quiz to determine readiness for relationship:
Answer “yes” to every question, and you’re mature and ready. Answer mostly “yes” and you are mostly ready. Saying you’re mostly ready is like saying you’re mostly pregnant—so if that’s you, you’re not quite there yet. There is work to be done. People who have affairs often describe their marriages as “complicated” to their would-be love interests. Pohsuan Zaide is a therapist in private practice with an MA in counselling psychology. Find her at 778-846-6056, members.shaw.ca/pohsuan_zaide , and thevancouverobserver.com , where she writes an advice column and ponders the complexity of relationships.bcv | | | | | | | |
Label Obsession:Learning from starlets and socialites. by Trevor Bowden
No, we’re not talking about how to dress your 2-lb dog, hog the spotlight, or even how to exit a limo immodestly. But the celebs have got one thing right: they’re label fanatics. And this is a good thing-- when the labels give products a sustainable stamp of approval. Buying goods certified with the following eco-labels can be a great start for your resolution to be greener in 2009. BRITISH COLUMBIA CERTIFIED ORGANIC Since we already know you always get your 12 servings of fruit and veggies a day, you’ll want to be sure they’re B.C. Certified Organic. And omnivores can also rejoice: look for this eco-label on chicken, turkey, and beef, too. ECOLOGO When your dinner party is over, the kids are in bed, and there’s nothing but dirty dishes and sticky fingerprints all over the house, get out your EcoLogo-certified cleaners, dishwasher detergent, and paper towels. A program of the Canadian government, EcoLogo will give you both a clean home and a clean conscience. ENERGY STAR With the electricity you save over the lifetime of your Energy Star appliances, you can justify upgrading to that model with all the nifty features. And by upgrading all your lights and electronics too, your monthly hydro bill will make you feel like the star. MARINE STEWARDSHIP COUNCIL Fish, not meat? Put Marine Stewardship Council-certifed fish on your shopping list. FOREST STEWARDSHIP COUNCIL FSC‑ Whether you’re sending out thank-you notes or printing out your PhD thesis, look for a Forest Stewardship Council-certified label on all your paper. (At the very least, make sure the paper has recycled content—and your thesis doesn’t.) Look for this label on building products as well, and help protect one of B.C.’s most important resources. FAIR TRADE Nothing soothes a January 1 hangover like a hot cup of java. But make sure there’s fair trade in your mug so you can face the day— and start of the New Year—on the right foot, karmically speaking. Whether you really are a starlet or socialite (or just someone trying to make a difference) January is the perfect time to kick back, reflect on your lifestyle choices, and assess how you can live a healthier, more sustainable life. Read the labels—and Happy New Year! Trevor Bowden is co-founder of Big Room Inc. (bigroom.ca), a Vancouver company that helps consumers make green choices. He always checks the label, and always exits limos gracefully. | | | | | | | |
Ask UmbraWrapper's Delight by Umba FiskDear Umbra,
Newspapers and magazines are probably the simplest, best paper already lying around the house. The trick of making decent wrapping out of newspaper or magazines is in the choice of photo or section. I learned this from an actual artist who wraps his gifts this way, I promise. A newspaper will yield interesting photos, or advertisements, perhaps even germane text, that will look slick and nice on presents if the following conditions are met: the attractive part of the photo is centered on the top of the gift in plain view, the paper is carefully wrapped, there is a separate gift tag, and bonus points for some ribbon-type of finish. An example would be a photo of a nice mountain pass from the travel section, with the top of the mountains and the sky centered atop the gift. I think this looks clever—not cheap, and not lazy. If the paper you have at home is mainly paper bags or once-used office paper, either you can carefully wrap this plain stuff about a present and top it off with an attractive garnish (see below) or, if you have time, you can first decorate the plain paper. Who knows what you already have that could be used? Maybe you can draw well, and make little personal illustrations on each packet. Maybe you have a glitter collection, or pile of stickers—even file-folder stickers can be made into something interesting. Maybe you can collage snippets from magazines into clever sayings or images related to the recipient or enclosed gift (requires glue or tape, and scissors). Perhaps you have the supplies to do very basic printmaking. For example, if you have paint, a knife, and a potato, cut the potato in half to get a flat surface. Carve a simple image from the flat surface so that the extraneous potato bits are stripped away from whatever festive design you want to portray—a tree, a star, a circle—like a sculpture birthed from rock, spread some paint onto a yogurt lid, dip the potato into the paint, and stamp the potato stamp all over the plain paper. Now for the “(see below)” part: Found paper, or crafty paper, will work best if the gift is well wrapped. To me, and I think to most of us, it is not the paper itself so much as the crisp folds and ribbon that give me the little shock of excitement before gift unveiling. Here are a few basic instructions, but they don’t mention what I have noticed as key to the project: Wrap the gift as tightly as possible, and crease every fold, not just the ends. Run two fingers along and make all edges look sharp and purposeful. Then, add the garnish. It could be a ribbon, or a string, or twine, or a series of stickers, or whatever, but because you are using found paper, you need some type of garnish to make the package jump. Otherwise you run the risk of the package looking like a pile of lunchmeats. Which is what I’m trying to save you from. Leave enough time to wrap with care. Good luck, and Happy New Year. Umbra Fisk is the green-advice columnist for Grist.org. She believes the best gifts are the ones that don’t need to be wrapped. | | | | | | | |
Knowing ‘True’ Wealth(hint: finance expertise, community roots, being mom) by Rebecca Ephraim
From her spacious corner office at the top of Vancity’s high-rise headquarters, CEO Tamara Vrooman presides over Canada’s largest credit union, with nearly 400,000 members. But this 40-something high-powered banker, who earned her stripes as deputy minister in the provincial departments of health and finance, is also a devoted wife and mother. And it is this, as much as her formidable finance experience, that colours her views on the meaning of true wealth. How do you view the current financial turmoil? The situation in the United States is definitely a difficult one. It really points to the fact that what happened on Wall Street is a fundamental problem of being disconnected from the community and the people you serve. If you take more than you give back, then ultimately, at some point, you are not going to be sustainable. So what would be a positive scenario? I think the more positive scenario is one where—you know, in our case [Vancity]—we’re deeply connected to our communities. We’re owned by our members, we’re independent, and we’re local, so we pay attention to what they care about and what their needs are. We know if we are too quick to move or if we go beyond what our community can sustain, then our very business won’t be sustainable. So I think it really points to thinking that wealth is not just profit alone, and going beyond profit to issues like sustainability, social justice, community well-being…those are the things that ultimately sustain growth, and that’s what we’re seeing. With this storm of economic instability going on around me, how can I think in terms of being a do-gooder? Doing good is not a luxury. It’s not something we do just because we have extra cash around. It’s something we do because it’s a fundamental way that we think we can contribute, not only to the health and well-being of ourselves and our families, but to the broader community upon which we rely for our very sustenance and survival. Maybe your strategies change a little bit in terms of how you participate—more with your time than your wallet. Sometimes our time is valued less than our wallets… but it can be just as meaningful, if not more so, in what we give and also what we learn as a result of that involvement. How do you personally contribute? I’ve always been active in the community and I participate in a variety of not-for-profits. But I think it’s not all official and titled, the way we give back to our community. I also pay close attention to the needs of my family and my friends. I think it can be listening hard to some of my single-parent friends, both men and women, and their challenges. Sometimes it’s as simple as their mom is in the hospital and they have a two- and a four-year-old, so you invite them over for dinner so they don’t have to cook a meal. It’s the little things that prove you care about the people you share your community with. Do you find that women and men approach the idea of wealth differently? I do. We find that our women members often do a lot more research than men do. But often they don’t have the same kind of network in terms of getting financial help and advice. Women—sometimes, but not always—were not raised with the same confidence in financial matters. We [Vancity] try to create informal ways to connect women with one another so that we break down that kind of intimidation around, “oh, that seems so complicated.” Because finance isn’t complicated. It’s very basic at its core, but sometimes the language that we use and the way we approach it can be very intimidating for women, particularly for those who have not had to participate in it on their own or are just starting out. What insights do you have around striking a healthy work-life balance? I’ll be honest with you: it’s something I struggle with every day. Basic strategies I use? I try to limit my outside activities in terms of evenings to once a week; I’m not always successful. I try to get home between six and eight o’clock so I can have dinner with my family and put my little guy to bed and read him a story. And then I often go to work again until eight or midnight. That works for me, just that window to change gears and to ask questions about my son’s day that involved mud puddles and skinned knees as opposed to capital markets and treasury bills. —interview conducted, condensed, and edited by SharedVISION publisher, Rebecca Ephraim | | | | | | | |
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A young friend asked me: “What does it mean when your boyfriend chooses Valentine’s Day to post on his Facebook profile that his relationship status is “Complicated”?
Dearest Johnny M.,
